Music and Sunlight

I was just thinking about the service...

I lead the music in our Relief Society class, and I usually do a five minute Music Appreciation moment. I have done all sorts of things in the past, but tomorrow I am playing a clip from Mom's memorial service where our dear, insanely talented friend, David Batchelor sang Savior, Redeemer of my Soul. It's such a powerful song, and he sings it so beautifully that I decided to share it with them. I've listened to it a couple of times today, just making sure that the DVD works, and it drew my mind to when we were at the cemetery and Ike Ike went up and patted her lace covered face. "Granni's in here. This is Granni." I know she would have liked that. I let him do it for a few moments, until I couldn't take it anymore, and ushered him away. They were so close.

A few days ago, we were discussing our trip to St. Louis. I told Ike Ike that we would be seeing Pop Pop and Kaye for his birthday, and his Uncle Matt, Connie, and Uncle Frank, Aunt Jennifer, and Cousins. He got very excited and began naming people off on a list... "Pop Pop?! Kay?! Uncle Matt? Granni!?!" Then his little hands flew up and covered his mouth. He slowly lowered them, shaking his head. "Not Granni. She died."

Yes, sweetheart. Granni died.

I was thinking also of the last time I went to her grave before leaving Houston. I took Ike and Sammy out and let them run around while I scattered the petals that were on her roses about. They were beginning to droop. So we stood there for a bit, just looking. Then I went and put the boys in the car, and went back, just for a moment, trying to resist the urge to throw myself down on the dirt and hug it. Her plot is in a very shady spot, all the green burials are back in the trees, and they told us there wouldn't be much growth there because of the shade. I stood there for a few moments, it was a cloudy day, and then the clouds sort of opened up and the sunlight shone down through the trees right on her grave, while I was standing there. It was like a hug from the sun. I am so glad she is in that plot, because it *will* get sunlight even if just for a few hours a day.

By Matt Muldoon

Like the scent of rain
I don't think about you, sometimes,
For weeks or longer.
Then... some pointless dream
Or motherless wandering thought
Will bring you lightly back to me.
Like the scent of rain
Drifting across the desert night...
And, like the thirst that grows strong
At the mention of water
A longing wells in me to have
Your soul
Pouring over me again.
And, oh,
I would laugh
And touch you with my joy;
But as the wind carried you here
It carries me away
And I am left dry
Except for the moisture
Your soul has left in my eyes.

Where to begin?

In honor of starting this new blog I made a cake. (Okay, not really. I just wanted cake!) I have been craving yellow cake with chocolate frosting. So I made it tonight. It was Mom's favorite. She would whip up a yellow cake in a 9 x 13 pan and smother it in canned chocolate frosting. Mmmm... I remember coming home from college and her asking what I wanted... yellow cake with chocolate frosting... that or cornflake crumb chicken. Yum.
It was tasty!!!



Nothing fancy about this cake!! Baked it, slapped it on a plate, iced it, and dug in!!! Mmmm, cake and milk... (Okay, the chocolate frosting was homemade...)

Om nom nom...

A start.

So here I am again. Starting another blog. This one will be different. I did not want to change the mood of my current blog, but I need an outlet to vent some things... mostly to reminisce. To think. Grieve. Whatever. Mostly just a place to share. These first few days will no doubt be jam packed with stuff. I have a lot that wants to be said, written down. I have wanted to journal about my thoughts, but I find I am a faster typer these days. It won't all be gloomy. I just want a place to ... remember. So here I am. I'll be posting things about this whole crummy last few years with Mom's illness, as well as my feelings on certain things, memories, whatever. Join me if you like. I may, at times, disable comments. We will see. Please be kind. It's high time I got down to the business of grieving properly. And this won't all be about grief either. Grief is not a bad thing. In some ways, we all grieve for things, not just about death. I think grief is healthy, but my outlets for grief over the last few months have become unhealthy, mostly because they have been denied, so hopefully this will help.