I've had a bazillion experiences over the course of the last month that have made me want to scream.

I was sitting on the plane, on the way back from San Antonio, just completely drained from my busy weekend, and it just kind of hit me. All weekend long I had been wishing she was there for me to call, to talk it over with. I had the distinct impression that I was alone. I realize that I wasn't. Nathan was there to talk to... mostly. Anf I have a myriad of friends who I'm sure would have let me call to ramble about trying to decide which place would be best for us to live in. Then my mind strays to 'Well, what would her advice have been?' I know I made the right choice. I know that. Still, I realized that I hardly eve made a decision without consulting her about it. Not every decision, understand, but LOTS. So I was sitting on the plane, sandwiched between two men (and not in the good way)... (sorry I couldn't resist :P) Anyways, I was trying so hard not to just burst into tears between Mr. Laptop and Mr. Really Bad Novel. It was hard.

And tonight, I was sitting with Nathan while he was in bed. He was already in bed, but I have some stuff to do before I can go to sleep. So I went in to talk to him for a few minutes, and I laid my head down on his chest. I heard his heartbeat and it just made me so sad. I watched my mother die. When I think about the experience, it makes me, well, sad would be an understatement. I think about what actually happened and I wonder at how calm we all were about the whole thing. But then I think about what happened... I. Watched.My.Mom.Die... right in front of me. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. And I wanted her to go. It had been such a hard week, we were ready for the fight to be over. WHY!? I look back now and of course I'm glad she isn't suffering and glad she is in a "better place", but I still think, damn, why was I so anxious to get it over with.

It's just been an extremely difficult time this last month with the move and everything. Nathan applied to a CounterDrug job in Houston and I just keep hoping he gets it. It's the one I want him to get most. We have friends there. And yet I worry also. When I was in San Antonio, I had considered driving over for Sunday afternoon, and just going and sitting at her grave. Nathan of course talked me out of it. saying we would be in the area soon enough, and I had other things to take care of. So I didn't go. I dunno. It's just hard. And then I think about when I left Houston to come here. It was right about the time that she started Sutent which is the drug that really kicked her ass. She had to go live somewhere she hated with someone who was incompassionate. She got sicker and thinner, and more weak. And I have a lot off guilt about it all. I keep thinking, she was great while she was with us, if we had stayed, the boys would have kept her healthy. But of course I don't know that. It's just what I wish could have happened. And she said she wanted me to go. Said she "knew we needed to be together". If I had stayed, I wonder if it would have turned out different. I don't necessarily believe it would have, I just wonder.