Gail's Words.

In going through our garage and moving stuff into a storage unit, I found a little notebook of mom's that I had set aside to transcribe some of what she'd written in it. Here's the first entry.

I received "the news' in a very poor way- having done a follow-up CAT scan. I was so sure everything was justs fine as far as the cancer was concerned- I just didn't expect there to be any. In fact, I was expecting "female" problems at the most - anticipating another surgery this year.
So- in an insomniac moment - bored at night and off from work, I called to the nurses station and knowing most of the nurses - was sure I could find one who would be willing to look up my results and read them over the phone to me. That is exactly what happened... and then I spent the night awake, in tears, called Frankie in what he termed in his sleepy groggy state :) that I was "hysterical." I thought I was just emotional! :) (Her smiley faces)After this wakeful and anxious night I could not reason this in my mind- it just didn't make sense- because it did not fit with the many priesthood blessings in my life! Even my most recent blessings and not just my patriarchal blessing... Now looking back I can see exactly how it has fit with the blessings of my life. And I hope to write more on how this all fits together.

July 24, 2004
Saturday afternoon spent day in Houston TX temple. Beautiful temple.

10/18/2004
Written in MD Anderson ICU room #36
1st night (High dose IL-2). Sweet nurse (Cindy) and good room. More room than I expected and a toilet (!) instead of a bedside commode! Downside's having to stay in bed with the monitor hooked up. I thought I could be a little freer tonight at least. Seems I will have to be more bed bound than I expected. I feel so healthy and I am much calmer than I was at home- prayers were answered as right before we left I felt panicky and upset that I had to actually DO THIS. But the mood passed and I have been strengthened. Heavenly Father gave me the most wonderful daughter. She is so attentive and I cannot express my love for her enough. On one wall is my sign "Your body will renew itself daily" which comes from a blessing given me by Bishop Petersen before I left St. Louis this last time. Other parts of that blessing were: I would have joy in my posterity. My days would not be numbered less. My spirit would be healed. I would endure less pain and suffering than others in this situation. That I would feel love from those on both sides of the veil, and that my days would not be numbered less.
I have always trusted the Lord and His priesthood and held onto P'hood blessings as truth and as guidelines and as comfort to my life. Arlene Suchert has sent me a little gift and a letter that came as the best time - admission to the ICU! I am calm. I am OK. My anxiety is gone. Mary Ellen Edmunds talk helped immensely. Prayers both mine and others have helped. I feel as I did when they were placing my CVC line today and it was scary and it was uncomfortable - and I looked towards the wall and just called Heavenly Father's name. I visualized Him and the Savior and it was very comforting - and I am completely sure that they heard me and were with me. Gordon B. Hinckley has said, "Call upon the Lord and He will answer. Pray to the Lord with the expectations of answers." I also have pictures of the most precious things in my life on the "window" across the room - Sara taped up pics of Matthew, Frank and Jennifer, and Hailey, Ethan, and Olivia. And one of her, Hercules, and David Linus! My Life! If I have one regret, one thing I would do over in this life it would be to keep a better journal. I shall try much harder and as I move forward each day I may be able to "catch up" with thoughts and experiences I have had that I wish I had recorded before. I love my life. -G

A.M. October 19

Hilarious MD - Donna came in to explain what I would be feeling with each does. She said with the very first one I wouls say,
"S---, what have I done!?" I promise to write that in here if that is indeed the way I feel at the time! :) I just want to get up! Gotta brush these teeth... :P.
I am relieved that I will get breathing treatments! That eases my mind as I was concerned about my productive cough. (Asthma - middle age onset like my dad??) -G

Breathing treatments and a nap and I feel better. I was dreaming of a nurse and doctor dragging a huge bag of Interleukin 2 into my room. It was the size of a bean bag chair. Shows what I think of this treatment.....
Heart rate up slightly. Little girl in next bed not doing well. Lots of family in and out. Very worried. Sara here to visit. That is an inconvenience for her but so appreciated (her sacrifice) by me. Baby steps through the treatment.... Heavenly Father is so good to me. I thought I would feel worse but I was just tired. - G

20th-
Oh well - moving on to the next step = vomiting and a dopamine drip. Lightheaded at times - I've gained 10 lbs! I haven't seen it - don't look swollen but the hospital bed says so - I feel more "SOLID" inside. Don't want lungs to solidify. Ugh. - G

3/10/05
That last entry was during my 1st admission/course/round #1! in MD Anderson ICU. I am sitting here between course #5 and #6, in the Woodlands Mall, watching my smiling, charming David as he plays in the indoor playground. He just came over and wanted me to put his socks on his hands. :) He watches to make sure I am watching him and gives me charming full tooth smiles around the "stumps" and tunnels. :)

3/23/05
Blessings I have had:
- I would find love again
- be cheerful and faithful
- healed (Frankie and Bro Deppong)
- doctors and nurses blessed though me
- just do it
- have what I need for treatments to be successful
- my body would renew itself daily

The story of Job has been my greatest comfort - even I have not suffered as he and I feel that Heavenly Father is pleased with the daughter I have been. He is a story of hope, of restoration, and it's the story of restoration (health, home, etc) that I have hope for. Of course, Jesus Christ is the author of that hope and I or anyone else could not have it if it were not for Him. I am trying to be worthy of that restoration. I hope I haven't fallen short. I feel Heavenly Father is pleased with me. Tho there are things I can/could improve on. :)
Heard in a movie today the line "God gives those with the greatest character the strongest challenges."
The Spirit has told me, assured me that I am a strong woman of character even though I may get SAD at times over the challenges. Not so much the cancer, but the homelessness I am experiencing ... has been a sad point for me. There, I said it. I wasn't trying to admit which is the sore trial for me but that is it and I need to fight the way Satan has tried to bring me down about it. I feel like a pioneer of sorts - that is not a bad thing. D&C 58 great strength.

6/1/05
I am about to go in for my 8th treatment. I was so anxious/nervous about #7 but I am calmer about this one. Again I see it as a means to an end. I want that PET scan that I will only receive after the 8th.
Also, the feeling of peace is a real and strong one. I know in my heart that it is in a large way due to my re-reading the Book of Mormon. It gives a strength and a peace that can be found in no other way. It is so powerful. I have been reading 10 chapters a day. It reminds me of teaching seminary which is a very pleasant memory for me. I look back over the "way"I taught- some of the methods - were such a creative pleasure for me! I loved those kids and praying for each by name all the time was a boon to me too.


End of entries in this notebook.

Archive post from November of last year about Mom' experience (and other things), found here.

Anger.

I'm not happy right now. Somethings have just really gotten to me lately and I can't help it.

I won't go into too many details, but I know I've been holding things in lately. I haven't posted on my regular blog either. ANd since I think less people probably read this one, I'll post my frustrations here... because I need to vent.

I probably shouldn't, but I am.

Actually, I really shouldn't. I don't want people to get their feelings hurt or anything. I think that the concensus probably is that since I'm not posting about it, I must be over it.

I'm not over it.

Why do people bristle when you talk about death? It's so ridiculous. If someone I knew wanted to talk about a lost loved one, or something they were grieving for, I would be there. I would listen. I wouldn't get all quiet and such. Maybe that's cause I've been through it. Probably that's why. Still. I think it's ridiculous.

I'm about to have baby #4. On my own. She won't be around to help. In fact, no one will. Don't think I don't feel this keenly.

I am glad my dad is coming to visit after baby. That will be good at least.

And something else happened recently, which I can't talk about without ... whatever. I don't wanna stir any pots. But, my feelings were hurt. SO hurt. If people just thought about what they were saying. If people just STOPPED and SHUT UP long enough to listen to other people and not be so caught up in their own little world or so self centered then maybe they'd realize that other people might have something to say. But some people enjoy their own drama and the attention it brings then being empathetic friends.

I need to start journaling about my mom's journey. I haven't. Mostly because I am busy/enjoying distractions. I'd rather go down other avenues of escape than sit down and confront what she (and consequentially the rest of us) went through.

Mostly right now I'm just hurt.

I've been missing her a lot lately. Well, I miss her all the time. That's silly. But there's some stuff going on right now that is making it twice as hard for me that she's gone. It's probably just hormones, but it's just really hard. I was driving to church today just wishing I could skip out and drive to Houston to put some Easter flowers on her grave. She loved Easter, and she loved the flowers that are out in the spring; hyacinths, hydrangeas, lillies. And I wish I could have been there to put flowers on her grave last month for her birthday. I am anxious for that idiot to finish her headstone so I can go get it and have it placed. I can only think of her small mound of dirt sitting there lonely in the trees and it makes me very sad. It's been cold and so I wonder if any of the flowers that we planted are still growing. I seem to doubt it.

A lot of people say that they dream about those that have gone on. I had one back when Obama was elected. We were sitting at her friend Sherry's kitchen table and I came in and told her that he had been elected. That was it. Silly little short thing. I haven't dreamt of her since. If I have, I don't remember. In a way I think I might be tuning it out, not ready for it to happen, whatever. I think it would be really hard but at the same time I ... no, even thinking about it makes me want to say no. Why is that I wonder? Why am I denying that?

So something has happened recently, something that I know she would have been worried about, and I wonder what she thinks about it now that she's up there and her perspective has possibly changed. I'm not ready to say anything specific yet, but ... I just wonder what she'd say....

One of my sweet "virtual friends" as Nathan calls them, painted this for me and sent it to me.



Blue Hydrangeas

I've had a bazillion experiences over the course of the last month that have made me want to scream.

I was sitting on the plane, on the way back from San Antonio, just completely drained from my busy weekend, and it just kind of hit me. All weekend long I had been wishing she was there for me to call, to talk it over with. I had the distinct impression that I was alone. I realize that I wasn't. Nathan was there to talk to... mostly. Anf I have a myriad of friends who I'm sure would have let me call to ramble about trying to decide which place would be best for us to live in. Then my mind strays to 'Well, what would her advice have been?' I know I made the right choice. I know that. Still, I realized that I hardly eve made a decision without consulting her about it. Not every decision, understand, but LOTS. So I was sitting on the plane, sandwiched between two men (and not in the good way)... (sorry I couldn't resist :P) Anyways, I was trying so hard not to just burst into tears between Mr. Laptop and Mr. Really Bad Novel. It was hard.

And tonight, I was sitting with Nathan while he was in bed. He was already in bed, but I have some stuff to do before I can go to sleep. So I went in to talk to him for a few minutes, and I laid my head down on his chest. I heard his heartbeat and it just made me so sad. I watched my mother die. When I think about the experience, it makes me, well, sad would be an understatement. I think about what actually happened and I wonder at how calm we all were about the whole thing. But then I think about what happened... I. Watched.My.Mom.Die... right in front of me. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. And I wanted her to go. It had been such a hard week, we were ready for the fight to be over. WHY!? I look back now and of course I'm glad she isn't suffering and glad she is in a "better place", but I still think, damn, why was I so anxious to get it over with.

It's just been an extremely difficult time this last month with the move and everything. Nathan applied to a CounterDrug job in Houston and I just keep hoping he gets it. It's the one I want him to get most. We have friends there. And yet I worry also. When I was in San Antonio, I had considered driving over for Sunday afternoon, and just going and sitting at her grave. Nathan of course talked me out of it. saying we would be in the area soon enough, and I had other things to take care of. So I didn't go. I dunno. It's just hard. And then I think about when I left Houston to come here. It was right about the time that she started Sutent which is the drug that really kicked her ass. She had to go live somewhere she hated with someone who was incompassionate. She got sicker and thinner, and more weak. And I have a lot off guilt about it all. I keep thinking, she was great while she was with us, if we had stayed, the boys would have kept her healthy. But of course I don't know that. It's just what I wish could have happened. And she said she wanted me to go. Said she "knew we needed to be together". If I had stayed, I wonder if it would have turned out different. I don't necessarily believe it would have, I just wonder.

I haven't posted anything here in awhile, but I will be posting in the next few days.

You've probably already read my blog about my trip to St. Louis, so I don't need to post about that here. I will say this though. It was tough. Harder than I thought it would be but easier too because I had my brothers and family and vomit to keep me distracted.

I found some great pictures that I wanted to scan and share but I will when I get some time.

I'll just say that going through a box of recipe cards and cookbooks was tough on this girl ...