I'm not happy right now. Somethings have just really gotten to me lately and I can't help it.
I won't go into too many details, but I know I've been holding things in lately. I haven't posted on my regular blog either. ANd since I think less people probably read this one, I'll post my frustrations here... because I need to vent.
I probably shouldn't, but I am.
Actually, I really shouldn't. I don't want people to get their feelings hurt or anything. I think that the concensus probably is that since I'm not posting about it, I must be over it.
I'm not over it.
Why do people bristle when you talk about death? It's so ridiculous. If someone I knew wanted to talk about a lost loved one, or something they were grieving for, I would be there. I would listen. I wouldn't get all quiet and such. Maybe that's cause I've been through it. Probably that's why. Still. I think it's ridiculous.
I'm about to have baby #4. On my own. She won't be around to help. In fact, no one will. Don't think I don't feel this keenly.
I am glad my dad is coming to visit after baby. That will be good at least.
And something else happened recently, which I can't talk about without ... whatever. I don't wanna stir any pots. But, my feelings were hurt. SO hurt. If people just thought about what they were saying. If people just STOPPED and SHUT UP long enough to listen to other people and not be so caught up in their own little world or so self centered then maybe they'd realize that other people might have something to say. But some people enjoy their own drama and the attention it brings then being empathetic friends.
I need to start journaling about my mom's journey. I haven't. Mostly because I am busy/enjoying distractions. I'd rather go down other avenues of escape than sit down and confront what she (and consequentially the rest of us) went through.
Mostly right now I'm just hurt.
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The eyerolls or the cold wave that would hit when I would talk about my mom after she died were palpable. Seriously, I'd mention her and I could feel an icy wave come across the room. 3 weeks after she died I had people telling me I should be moving on by now. WTF is up with that? It's been over 6 years and I still miss her. But other people don't think it's okay to talk about.
ReplyDeleteI tell people, especially when they make comments where they don't know better, that all I want to do is talk about it. She was and is a big part of my life and I just want to talk about her. They don't have to make me feel better or even say they're sorry.
(((Hugs)))
I'm sorry, Sara. I think there will always be moments that catch you off guard because the hurt will be fresh. I think holidays and little things that remind you of her will be hard. It's okay and don't let anyone tell you that it's not.
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