Gail's Words.

In going through our garage and moving stuff into a storage unit, I found a little notebook of mom's that I had set aside to transcribe some of what she'd written in it. Here's the first entry.

I received "the news' in a very poor way- having done a follow-up CAT scan. I was so sure everything was justs fine as far as the cancer was concerned- I just didn't expect there to be any. In fact, I was expecting "female" problems at the most - anticipating another surgery this year.
So- in an insomniac moment - bored at night and off from work, I called to the nurses station and knowing most of the nurses - was sure I could find one who would be willing to look up my results and read them over the phone to me. That is exactly what happened... and then I spent the night awake, in tears, called Frankie in what he termed in his sleepy groggy state :) that I was "hysterical." I thought I was just emotional! :) (Her smiley faces)After this wakeful and anxious night I could not reason this in my mind- it just didn't make sense- because it did not fit with the many priesthood blessings in my life! Even my most recent blessings and not just my patriarchal blessing... Now looking back I can see exactly how it has fit with the blessings of my life. And I hope to write more on how this all fits together.

July 24, 2004
Saturday afternoon spent day in Houston TX temple. Beautiful temple.

10/18/2004
Written in MD Anderson ICU room #36
1st night (High dose IL-2). Sweet nurse (Cindy) and good room. More room than I expected and a toilet (!) instead of a bedside commode! Downside's having to stay in bed with the monitor hooked up. I thought I could be a little freer tonight at least. Seems I will have to be more bed bound than I expected. I feel so healthy and I am much calmer than I was at home- prayers were answered as right before we left I felt panicky and upset that I had to actually DO THIS. But the mood passed and I have been strengthened. Heavenly Father gave me the most wonderful daughter. She is so attentive and I cannot express my love for her enough. On one wall is my sign "Your body will renew itself daily" which comes from a blessing given me by Bishop Petersen before I left St. Louis this last time. Other parts of that blessing were: I would have joy in my posterity. My days would not be numbered less. My spirit would be healed. I would endure less pain and suffering than others in this situation. That I would feel love from those on both sides of the veil, and that my days would not be numbered less.
I have always trusted the Lord and His priesthood and held onto P'hood blessings as truth and as guidelines and as comfort to my life. Arlene Suchert has sent me a little gift and a letter that came as the best time - admission to the ICU! I am calm. I am OK. My anxiety is gone. Mary Ellen Edmunds talk helped immensely. Prayers both mine and others have helped. I feel as I did when they were placing my CVC line today and it was scary and it was uncomfortable - and I looked towards the wall and just called Heavenly Father's name. I visualized Him and the Savior and it was very comforting - and I am completely sure that they heard me and were with me. Gordon B. Hinckley has said, "Call upon the Lord and He will answer. Pray to the Lord with the expectations of answers." I also have pictures of the most precious things in my life on the "window" across the room - Sara taped up pics of Matthew, Frank and Jennifer, and Hailey, Ethan, and Olivia. And one of her, Hercules, and David Linus! My Life! If I have one regret, one thing I would do over in this life it would be to keep a better journal. I shall try much harder and as I move forward each day I may be able to "catch up" with thoughts and experiences I have had that I wish I had recorded before. I love my life. -G

A.M. October 19

Hilarious MD - Donna came in to explain what I would be feeling with each does. She said with the very first one I wouls say,
"S---, what have I done!?" I promise to write that in here if that is indeed the way I feel at the time! :) I just want to get up! Gotta brush these teeth... :P.
I am relieved that I will get breathing treatments! That eases my mind as I was concerned about my productive cough. (Asthma - middle age onset like my dad??) -G

Breathing treatments and a nap and I feel better. I was dreaming of a nurse and doctor dragging a huge bag of Interleukin 2 into my room. It was the size of a bean bag chair. Shows what I think of this treatment.....
Heart rate up slightly. Little girl in next bed not doing well. Lots of family in and out. Very worried. Sara here to visit. That is an inconvenience for her but so appreciated (her sacrifice) by me. Baby steps through the treatment.... Heavenly Father is so good to me. I thought I would feel worse but I was just tired. - G

20th-
Oh well - moving on to the next step = vomiting and a dopamine drip. Lightheaded at times - I've gained 10 lbs! I haven't seen it - don't look swollen but the hospital bed says so - I feel more "SOLID" inside. Don't want lungs to solidify. Ugh. - G

3/10/05
That last entry was during my 1st admission/course/round #1! in MD Anderson ICU. I am sitting here between course #5 and #6, in the Woodlands Mall, watching my smiling, charming David as he plays in the indoor playground. He just came over and wanted me to put his socks on his hands. :) He watches to make sure I am watching him and gives me charming full tooth smiles around the "stumps" and tunnels. :)

3/23/05
Blessings I have had:
- I would find love again
- be cheerful and faithful
- healed (Frankie and Bro Deppong)
- doctors and nurses blessed though me
- just do it
- have what I need for treatments to be successful
- my body would renew itself daily

The story of Job has been my greatest comfort - even I have not suffered as he and I feel that Heavenly Father is pleased with the daughter I have been. He is a story of hope, of restoration, and it's the story of restoration (health, home, etc) that I have hope for. Of course, Jesus Christ is the author of that hope and I or anyone else could not have it if it were not for Him. I am trying to be worthy of that restoration. I hope I haven't fallen short. I feel Heavenly Father is pleased with me. Tho there are things I can/could improve on. :)
Heard in a movie today the line "God gives those with the greatest character the strongest challenges."
The Spirit has told me, assured me that I am a strong woman of character even though I may get SAD at times over the challenges. Not so much the cancer, but the homelessness I am experiencing ... has been a sad point for me. There, I said it. I wasn't trying to admit which is the sore trial for me but that is it and I need to fight the way Satan has tried to bring me down about it. I feel like a pioneer of sorts - that is not a bad thing. D&C 58 great strength.

6/1/05
I am about to go in for my 8th treatment. I was so anxious/nervous about #7 but I am calmer about this one. Again I see it as a means to an end. I want that PET scan that I will only receive after the 8th.
Also, the feeling of peace is a real and strong one. I know in my heart that it is in a large way due to my re-reading the Book of Mormon. It gives a strength and a peace that can be found in no other way. It is so powerful. I have been reading 10 chapters a day. It reminds me of teaching seminary which is a very pleasant memory for me. I look back over the "way"I taught- some of the methods - were such a creative pleasure for me! I loved those kids and praying for each by name all the time was a boon to me too.


End of entries in this notebook.